Some thoughts on mentoring
I've never had a mentor. I've never been a mentor. And yet I am constantly mentored and mentoring. So are you.
I spent several years trying to hunt down and establish formal mentoring relationships. It never worked. After a while I gave up trying and, six months later, I made a discovery: I already had mentors; I simply hadn't noticed or appreciated them.
A mentor is someone who influences and advises you. I had interpreted mentor to mean someone at least ten years older than me who I met with for an hour every week. When I broadened my understanding of mentoring I realised I was surrounded by them. Friends, colleagues, family members, authors, and speakers; they were all influencing and advising me in different ways.
At this point I made another important discovery: there are good and bad influencers! If we are going to grow into the people we were made to be, we need to choose wisely who we allow to influence and guide us.
Mentoring came to life for me when I chose to specifically allow certain people (some who I knew personally, others simply through their books and teaching) to impact and shape me as a person. I chose to actively embrace their mentoring rather than passively being moulded by anyone and everyone around me.
Formal mentoring relationships may happen for us at various stages in our lives but, when we don't have that, we mustn't let that get in the way of others mentoring us in less formal ways. We all need people around us who cheer us on and support us - and we must do the same for others - but if we keep waiting for 'the one' special mentoring relationship, we could be disappointed.
Mentoring happens best when it's natural and not forced. Simply grabbing a coffee with someone now and then who you want to learn from (or influence) can be all it takes. And if you're buying the coffee there's even less likelihood they'll decline! But, I'll be honest, most mentoring won't take place during that coffee; it'll take place as you proactively decide to watch and learn from their lives.
- Who are the people around you who you could embrace their influence and advice more actively?
- Is there someone you could take out for a coffee this week and learn from them and invite them to give you counsel?
- Are there people around you who you could take a more active role in supporting, encouraging, and influencing?
Learning Through Life
Self-awareness lies at the heart of any meaningful personal growth and development. We need to understand what makes us tick. The more we understand that, the more we can maximise our talent and potential.
The problem many of us have is that we don't know what motivates us. We haven't figured out key elements about how we're wired. So the question then becomes: how do we discover what motivates us? How do we become more self-aware?
Sadly, there is no quick answer. Self-awareness is a life-long journey. The key though is to make sure we are on that journey. You can only become more self-aware if you choose to.
Having made that choice, it is then about putting ourselves into lots of different environments and situations that stretch and move us outside of our comfort zones. It is in the midst of these moments that we need to reflect on what we can learn about ourselves.
Great discoveries are made in the midst of great experimentation. This is true whether we are talking about inventing the light bulb or taking our own personal journey of self-discovery. If we want to 'find ourselves', we have to step out and embrace every opportunity to learn and experience and feel and question and explore.
Having said all of that however, the journey of self-discovery is rarely successful when the focus is solely self-orientated. Whether we have discovered this yet or not, humanity is wired to truly come alive when we involve ourselves in things that are bigger than ourselves. We were made to be part stories that are far bigger than 'Me, Myself and I'.
Not only this, we rarely make truly enlightening self-discoveries in isolation. We are designed to function in community, not in isolation. Living life with others whilst doing stuff that matters is what creates the most powerful space for self-discovery.
Like scientists who spend countless hours in their laboratories experimenting and discovering, we need to do the same with our lives - always learning and discovering.
Ultimately, we must never forget that self-awareness and discovery do not primarily come as a result of endlessly looking inward; they emerge through simply reflecting on our life whilst we are in the process of doing what we do with others and for others.
- When was the last time you did something new, different, or challenging?
- Who are the friends and family who make up your 'community'?
- What project could you take up with others to make a difference in the world?
The Why Behind The What
I wonder how many of us know the why behind the what that we're doing most days. We go to work, we do our job, but how many of us are doing that in the light of any kind of bigger picture?
It is so easy to get sucked down into the day to day details of our life and work that we lose sight of the reason why we're doing what we're doing. It's no wonder then that we can so quickly start to find many aspects of what we're doing mundane.
Knowing the why behind the what that we're doing is vital. And yet, as someone who oversees a non-profit and a faith community, I can't tell you how quickly we can get so focussed on what we're doing that the lose the vision for why we're doing it.
Now clearly, if all we ever did was think about the why, we would never get anything done. The why has to move us to action. The cause has to compel us to do something. But, having started to actually do something, we need to remember to periodically take stock of where we've got to and make sure that what we're doing is still in sync with what we set out to do.
This is relevant on both a personal and an organisation level. Life is busy. Work, responsibilities, kids can become all consuming. But as individuals and families we need to have vision and mission and purpose for our lives as much as any organisation does. That means that we too must make time to reflect on what we're doing and make sure that we choose to live a life that doesn't lose sight of the way and that flows in harmony with our values and worldview.
- If you lead an organisation, how often do you take time to help everyone stay engaged with the big picture of what you're doing?
- How can you help people keep the why in mind whilst doing what needs to be done?
- As an individual, do you have a big picture vision for your life? When did you last take stock and check that you're staying on course?
Changing the world (without killing yourself)
I am convinced that many of us can accomplish more with our lives than we are currently accomplishing. Life is most fulfilling when it is, well, full and when we make it about more than just ourselves. We come alive when we find our niche for making a difference in the world and serving humanity.
It is amazing how easy it is to convince ourselves that we don't have time to do more with our lives. And yet, for many of us, if we were to monitor our time spent watching TV and surfing the internet, I think we'd quickly realise that that's a very weak argument! We need to find something we are passionate about, something that compels us to act, and then go for it.
Most of us do have time to do more with our lives. And if we go about it the right way, we don't have to kill ourselves and end up burnout whilst we try to change the world.
I get involved with lots of things. I have a full time job, I run a volunteer based non-profit organisation, I help lead a faith community, and I work with a mentoring network, investing in and training up-and-coming leaders. What can I say? I get bored easily!
Lots of people ask how I manage to do it all and wonder how I find time to sleep and rest. And yet, the truth is that I don't feel too busy or burnt out at all. I still find myself having plenty of time for relaxation with friends and family as well as time for play, both of which I value very highly.
How is this possible? I'm sure there are lots of reasons, but here's a few thoughts, reflecting primarily on my role with the non-profit I founded and oversee.
Firstly, I don't make anything all about me or dependent on me. I work with lots of great people who I trust implicitly to take responsibility and make happen what needs to happen. Crazy as it sounds, I could walk away from the non-profit I lead for six months and be totally confident that everything will continue well without me.
Obviously, I'd like to think that I still have an important role to play! And, in terms of that role, I see it as being about three things: 1) championing and protecting our ethos as an organisation, 2) helping new projects get started, and 3) thinking about and moving us towards future goals. But, with the events and projects that we already have up and running, it could all now totally function without me. And I think that's healthy.
Lesson: Don't be a control freak!
Secondly, I'm not a perfectionist. I prefer the vibe of raw beauty over excellence. An event or project doesn't have to be perfect to be successful. For me, meeting great people and making new connections is of far higher value than everything going exactly to plan in the details of an event. It also means I don't spend half my life fretting about minor details.
Don't get me wrong, doing something well is really important. Details do matter. But the pursuit of perfection can consume so much of our lives and not even necessarily make an event or project that much more successful. People matter most.
Lesson: Prioritise people over perfection.
Thirdly, everything I get involved with is fully integrated into my life as a whole. I wrote recently about the values and worldview that shape everything I do. This plays a big part in making sure that everything I am doing with my life is connected and not disjointed. When everything that we do is tied to deeply held values and our life's mission, then it is never draining. It can be tiring of course, but it'll always be invigorating.
Burnout is rarely triggered by how much we're doing; it is connected to what we're doing. When what we do is out of sync with who we are and our passions and values then, inevitably, it is going to have a negative effect on us. If we are finding ourselves feeling constantly drained it is more than likely that we're doing the wrong things, not necessarily too many things.
Lesson: Integrate everything you do with your values and worldview.
I guess ultimately, I am passionate about encouraging people to live full, meaningful, and adventurous lives that aim to make a difference in the world. And yet so often people think that they're too busy or don't have the time or money. I am convinced though that it is possible to accomplish more with our lives without us having to lose the many important 'normal' things in life.
They'll be sacrifices of course. There always are when we choose to see and serve a world beyond ourselves. But we don't have to turn our back on family and friends or have no time to rest and relax whilst choosing to embrace opportunities to accomplish more with our lives and make a difference in the world.
Yes, if we go about it the right way, we really can change the world without killing ourselves. Why settle for living ordinary lives when we have the capacity to live extraordinary ones?
- What are you passionate about?
- Are there charities, non-profits, or organisations that fit your passions and values that you could volunteer for?
- What do you want your life to be remembered for?
- If you're a parent, how can you make your life an adventure that your family can be part of?
From dreaming to achieving
I thoroughly enjoyed reading a blog post by Katie Portman last week on the good, bad and ugly of entering your thirties.
It reminded me of a conversation I had recently with another friend of mine, Ryan Offutt, who has just turned thirty. He was hoping that it would now mean that everyone would take him seriously. I said, 'good luck with that'.
After the joking we did move onto a more serious conversation about turning thirty and I shared some of my thoughts from the perspective of someone who is two years in.
I ended up saying that I felt that in your twenties you are free to dream without any real pressure to achieve. That all changes when you're thirty. It's ok to be a twenty-something and have achieved nothing of real significance, but the same no longer holds true when you enter your thirties.
You have to have more than just dreams by the time you reach your thirties. You have to actually be doing something.
And I feel very comfortable with this shift. All the way through my twenties I would talk about how I never wanted to become someone who just settled. I didn't want to settle for a safe, mundane life. Marriage, family, good job and a nice house are decent enough goals to have but, for me at least, they are not nearly enough. I want my life to make a difference in the world.
Going through my twenties I saw far too many people slowly drift away from their dreams as they got older and settle for the easier, safer options in life. Most people would say that they want their life to be an adventure, but it is impossible to have a true adventure unless there is risk involved. Risk and adventure go hand in hand.
I guess ultimately, I have reached a point in life where I want to keep dreaming (we should never stop dreaming till the day we die) but I want to be consistently taking deliberate steps that are ensuring that at least some of those dreams are become a reality. I want to be a dreamer AND an achiever.
- When was the last time you took a significant risk?
- Are you still dreaming ambitious dreams?
- What impact do you want to have on the world?
- Are there areas of your life where you have settled and played it safe?
Choosing your values and worldview
What we become and end up doing with our lives is shaped by who we are. Who we are is shaped by both our innate wiring and our values and our worldview.
Everyone has values and a worldview, but not everyone is conscious of them. Becoming conscious of them and choosing them intentionally is vital.
Our values and our worldview are hugely influenced by the people arounds us: family, friends, colleagues. It is very easy to end up becoming a sponge though and inadvertently (and uncritically) soak up and embrace what is essentially the values and worldview of others.
Honestly, I think this is the position most people have.
But the key to living a life that is full of purpose and meaning is to intentionally choose our values and worldview and to allow that to inform everything that we do.
My life is full of diversity. I have numerous interests and passions. But everything that I do is bound together by the values and worldview that I've chosen to embrace.
For me, the values and worldview I have are centred around the person of Jesus Christ. In a sense, I have chosen to embrace the worldview and values Jesus embodied when he was on earth two thousand or so years ago.
His mission was to overcome evil with good, to stand up for the broken and oppressed, to bring healing and restoration, and to demonstrate what it means to be fully human and to live life to the full. He lived a life fuelled by love and compassion that was about others rather than himself. And his message of hope was not for a few, but for all. His worldview was all-encompassing.
These values of love, hope, compassion, serving others as well as a worldview that welcomes and embraces everyone regardless or race, colour, sex or religion are the kind of values and worldview that I want to live my life by.
I may not always succeed, but these are the things that I want to inform every aspect of my life.
- If you were asked to quickly articulate your values and worldview, what would you say?
- Who or what is shaping the type of person you are?
- Do you like the person you are now?
- Are there values that you need to change or add?
- How do you want your life to be remembered?
